Ambivalence
To be ambivalent is to “have mixed feelings or contradictory ideas about something or someone” (dictionary).
It’s a term I’ve recently learned while studying a managing challenging behaviours unit, and it sums up the state I’ve been living in for the past year.
About 18 months ago, I realised I was living on autopilot and started thinking about what I wanted to do and where to go. I had an unplanned work move in March 2022, which in hindsight, may have prepared me for what’s to come.
I’ve been tossing around the idea of moving to QLD; I decided I’ve lived in Canberra my whole life, and my Asthma is struggling more every winter. Maybe I need to go live somewhere else for a while and meet some new people (plus be closer to my family and friends there). I’ve been looking at properties to buy (rental vacancy is low) in QLD for almost 8 months; I’ve done some virtual inspections and even put an offer on, but nothing has eventuated.
I now have 2 months to buy a house before I head overseas with the Australian rowing team. Otherwise, I won’t have a stable financial income to support the debt of 2 properties. I have also been toying with enrolling in the Masters's full time.
Last Saturday, I decided to try something new and seek spiritual guidance. I went to a psychic fair and had a reading. Carrie isn’t new to me; I attended two of her Wednesday night live readings, which was enough to build trust and feel comfortable.
She’s a popular lady, so I arrived 20 mins before the doors opened and was 3rd in line to book a reading; I was the 3rd person to request Carrie, to which the woman taking the bookings said, “is there anyone in line who doesn’t want to book with Carrie”. When I returned an hour later (11 am), Carried was fully booked till 5 pm.
I have always been sceptical of psychics, but in my state of ambivalence, I thought, why not?
Carried asked if I had any specific questions, and I told her I had come with an open mind to whatever came out.
Here is out it went… (I did not record or take any photos, I was living in the moment of this experience)
The first card that popped out was the Self-love card - Carried said she saw me as an energetic person, saying yes to everything, and I’m all in. She warned me to ensure not to burn the candle at both ends.
Carried acknowledged a break-up I had last year (this story is a whole other blog!), and she told me that spirit wanted me to know it wasn’t me. I told myself this, and I found her confirmation incredibly validated my thoughts and feelings and validated the relationship for me too.
Next to come out was my love of learning; she asked if I was academic, and I told her I didn’t see myself as academic, but having gone back to study in the last 18 months, I’ve been enjoying it. She said she saw psychology, and I told her about the master's I’m pursuing, and she commented yes, that makes sense; she asked what I did for work and said that she could see some medical message with psychology. She told me she could see success in my studies and that it is a continuous journey for me (greaaaaat, how much uni can one do?)
Carrie said she could see me with a baby and asked if I wanted children; I said yes! She said she visioned me with a baby on my hip while balancing work/study and mentioned that I developed something meaningful. She said she could see 3 children, and I replied really? I’m 35? She returned to the spirit and said definitely 2, but I’m pretty sure 3. (It seems like I’m in for a busy time in the next couple of years, haha) I told Carried about Nicole having Zoe through sperm donor and IVF, and while I’d prefer to have a family with someone, I was prepared to go that path if needed, and she said that she didn’t see that for me. She said that I’m a relaxed mother.
Carrie picked up that I was craving an adventure, I told her about the rowing trip, and she said it was just the experience I needed.
According to Carrie, I will meet my partner in the next 1-2 years (I better if I’m going to have a couple of kids!), and it’ll be face to face. He will be more of a logical decision-maker than I (an emotional decision-maker). I don’t find him; instead, he finds me (stay tuned?).
I mentioned to Carrie that I’ve been weighing up options for moving. She said it might be more of an adventure. And she said that I might move but that something pulls me to Canberra (her facial expressions gave me the sense that I don’t move).
The last card to come out was another love card, and perhaps its love keeps me in Canberra.
“Moonstone is good for activating your creative and intuitive power of feminine energy, which helps you get in tune with your true emotions. It can help balance and cool down your emotions and tension. The tranquil energy of the moonstone invites creativity, restoration, and motherly protection”.
Was my reading with Carrie helpful?
Yes, it was; it’s helped give me a bit more direction and have more of an open mind regarding the possible options. I have been going with the flow, “I’ll get the house I’m supposed to”, and “things will work out the way they’re supposed to”.
I am still browsing houses, but I have decided maybe it’s nudging me to enrol in full-time study and finish my business as planned so that I have fewer work commitments. In contrast, the online study gives me the flexibility to study from anywhere, so maybe I’ll live in different places while I study?!
I am seeing a respiratory specialist next week and plan to ask him whether a more humid environment will help manage my Asthma better.
I am still ambivalent, but a little less than before my time with Carrie.
As always, your comments/discussion are welcome.