How are you still single?
People insist on asking this question regularly. My reply usually
I don’t know
I haven’t met someone who has made me want to change it
Because I choose to be
All of this is true, but ultimately it’s a question that makes me feel uncomfortable and one that I’m surprised people ask. I’ve found that if you’re 35 and single, there must be something wrong with you, or I’ve also had family members ask if my sister and I are gay and when asked why it went a little like “because they don’t have boyfriends/partners. In reality, it’s nobody’s business, but I will share my thoughts on this with you today.
We always want what we don’t have, single people want to be in a relationship, and people in a relationship tell single people how lucky they are to be unattached and have so much freedom.
I can tell you that for women in their mid 30’s, being single is tough, especially when you want children/a family and are aware that your biological clock is ticking. Science has been amazing in helping women like my sister have their babies via a sperm donor and IVF, which is such an empowering thing to do, and there have been stories of men doing the same via egg donors and surrogates. This is something that I have not ruled out for myself.
But back to my awkward question. Earlier this year, my beautiful friend Alyce (whom I still remember when a friend of mine asked how we knew each other and if we were connected on Facebook, said, “no, we are real friends. We aren’t on each other’s Facebook”. (We both have Facebook, but we are not connected on it, we use good old-fashioned text messages or the occasional Instagram post)) I had seen she recently got married and was over the moon for her because she finally met her match and looked incredibly happy. Alyce recommended a book called, If I’m so Wonderful, Why am I still single? Saying that she met her now husband not long after she read it.
It was first published in 1988 (the year after I was born). I purchased and read it with an open mind and found myself enjoying it. I think there is something in this book for everyone, single or not. Interestingly, not much has changed when it comes to relationships, and the main difference between dating in the late 80s to now is internet dating; back in the ’80s, the equivalent was placing a personal ad in the newspaper and hoping that someone called you (this was often viewed as a desperate move but is highly encouraged by Page).
Dating isn’t what it used to be, where your school crush slipped a note to you or you rushed home to chat with them on MSN because you were too shy to hang out with them at school. Or, being in a bar/nightclub where a bloke asks you to dance, you might have a bit of a chat, and they’d ask for your phone number (to not text or call you). Online dating has made people more disposable than ever. Scroll through pictures; swipe left for no and right for yes, and continue until you run out of people in your area. You match to then not speak to anyone, or you start a conversation with them, go on a date, it’s a dud, so you open the app and scroll to find somebody else. It can be a great way to meet people, but people lack communication skills and instead of letting the person know that they didn’t feel a connection, they choose to disappear or what is commonly called ghosting. It can be hard to take if you really liked the person and they didn’t like you back, but I think it’s worse for them to disappear without having the manners to say, “hey, I’m not feeling it, but it was nice to meet you”.
Something else I’ve noticed on profiles is the number of men writing in their bios (a space often left blank but an opportunity to provide information about yourself). No baggage, please. There is also an increasing number of “not looking for anything serious”. I believe this is a reflection of how emotionally wounded we all are. Even if you don’t think you’ve got “baggage”, you’ve got baggage. Trauma comes in many forms, and I believe intergenerational trauma is in all of us. Relationships require patience, compassion, understanding and VULNERABILITY.
I have found that vulnerability brings people together and promotes the most powerful connection between humans, whether friendship or a romantic relationship. However, the mindset that I don’t want baggage says I can’t deal with someone else’s problems, which is a huge red flag if you’re looking for someone to have a fulfilling relationship with.
To be vulnerable, we need safety. When I say to someone, I feel safe with you, I don’t mean I feel like you would protect me from anything bad happening to me, but instead, you make me feel safe in a way that I could tell you anything, and I know that you will listen without judgement. That’s what I’m looking for in a partner (along with the “chemistry” (connection) and attraction), and I find that my friendships have different levels of safety too.
Do you have any thoughts on this? Agree? Disagree? Have something else to add? Let me know :)
What questions make you feel uncomfortable?
Totally agree that intergenerational trauma impacts us all, and being vulnerable is the way humans communicate trust. If someone can be vulnerable, I’m pretty sure I can trust them because they’ve got nothing more to hide.
And I’m certainly no love doctor, but for what it’s worth, I met my wife the moment I least expected it and when I wasn’t looking for love.