I’ve had some big feelings over recent weeks. First, there was the Dad missing saga and the opening up of a wholesome conversation. Then there was the email I sent out to my patients notifying them that I was ceasing clinical practice on the 2nd of June to throw myself into full-time uni and the world of the unknown.
It’s a bitter-sweet feeling, and the email flooded lovely messages in my inboxes. On Good Friday, I posted a video for my social media followers, and it took me about 17 takes to film something where I didn’t burst into tears. I’m okay with people seeing me crying, and I later posted a reel of some outtakes; what was important was that people could understand what I was saying in the video instead of trying to understand a blubbering mess. The reel can be viewed here (feel free to watch the almost 3-minute video message too).
2 days after the email was sent out, I had my first goodbye to a patient which was sooner than expected. A 74-year-old who I’ve known most if not all of my career and who has always been special to me. When I was seeing him out, he said, well, this is the last time, and that’s when it hit me; this is really happening, and I will possibly never see him again. He told me he was really proud of me; hearing this from him was like hearing it from a grandparent, and I immediately burst into tears and thanked him. He hugged me and went off on his way. Damn, it will be a big 2 months of goodbyes and crying.
It’s been such a privilege to have been chosen to be part of my patient’s healthcare journey and their lives, and I will always cherish the relationships I have formed with them. When I told one of the admin staff that some of my patients have been seeing me for 16 years, she looked at me confused and said, “Why do people do that”?. I replied with the therapeutic relationship. Massage Therapy is more than Massage. It is therapeutic in more ways than the physical touch of the Massage itself. Relationships of trust are built, stories are shared, goals are achieved, and tissues are managed/healed.
Safe Spaces
I am proud of the safe space I have created in my treatment room, as patients have confided some pretty big life events and stories to me, some of which have been hard for me to carry, and I try to unload this onto family and friends so that it’s not too heavy. This safety hasn’t just been for my patients but for me too. I recall on a difficult day post breaking up with my ex-boyfriend, a patient was asking me questions about his posting and if we knew where he was going, and I just burst into tears, and it was me who vented to her for the next 20 minutes while I massaged her. I told myself after this event (way back in 2013) that I would be careful about the information I disclosed to people; however, it’s this kind of vulnerability that helps build trust with patients and sometimes for them to feel safe with you, they want to know a little bit about you, so I have learnt to share with those who want me to share it with them. Not all patients want to talk about their stressors, their family or find out about their massage therapist, some want to chat about sports, the weather and other hobbies, and that’s fine too. But I find the real magic happens from a place of vulnerability, which starts from choosing to get a massage for the first time or with a new therapist. Massage usually requires a person to undress into their underwear and lie under a towel with the therapist, who then exposes body parts as needed to rub an oil, cream or wax onto the skin working the muscles and other soft tissues. This can be scary for those who are body conscious or have never done it before. Women often say, “Sorry, I forgot to shave my legs”, or “Can you find any muscle under all the fat?”. From men, it’s sometimes, “My body isn’t as good as those professional athletes you work on”, when I’m not judging anyone on their body or anything that happens in that room (as long as my safety isn’t compromised).
Some of my patients are members of the same family, which I love because often they have lived the same experiences, but you get 2, 3 or 4 different versions of the same experience. We are all unique, so even though we experience the same event, it’s never the same experience from one person to the next; fascinating, isn’t it!?
I am incredibly grateful for the support of my patients over the last 16 years, whether I’ve known them for a few weeks, a few months, a few years or a lot of years. The success of my small business would not have been possible without their support. Many have followed me from workplace to workplace, and I could not forget the support I received through the 2020 and 2021 lockdowns. My friends and family have been influential, too, telling everyone they know about me and to see me.
I will cherish these last 7 weeks, and it probably won’t hit me until I’m back from Europe with the rowing team and not returning to work.
So you quit your job, now what?
When I first read “Master of Rehabilitation Counselling”, I thought, wow, I do that every day and decided to look into it more and now, in a few short months, I hope to be starting on this journey of learning more about how I can help people by holding space for them. I often think about what it will be like to work in new roles where I will listen and talk WITHOUT the massaging part. I think that might be something that will be tricky to adjust to. What do I do with my hands while I listen and talk?
Anyway, without getting too ahead of myself, I will be applying for the master's full-time while I’m away in Europe as I need the academic transcript from the Grad Cert I am currently doing, which doesn’t finish until the 2nd of June—applications for the next Master’ intake close on the 26th. I plan to be accepted, so if accepted, I will start uni on the 14th of July, 6 days after I return from Europe. Once I know what my study load is like, I will look into casual work options, whether a massage role or something else is yet to be decided. I’m hopeful of keeping some of the sports work and that it’ll be easier to work in with my uni schedule than with a full clinic load and uni schedule.
“Our ability to express our feelings safely with another compassionate person creates true resilience that supports us to move through some of the most challenging situations that life has to offer instead of staying stuck in the past trauma that can keep us scared and shut down.” (Stone & Rose, 2022)
I’ve been learning a lot about holding space and reading Raising Resilient and Compassionate Children by Lael Stone & Marion Rose.
I believe the more we share and hold space for one another, the safer the world will be for everyone (and maybe even finally see, suicide rates drop).
In complete admiration of your ba... no, no that's not it, your gu... nah that ain't it either... I absolutely admire your bravery, Clare. So much so that I'm somewhat jealous of it. I wish I had the same courage to take such a big leap into the unknown! I think you'll kill it, because you have to. You're a grown up now and you've made significant sacrifices to make this dream a reality! looking forward to reading about it all!
Excited to follow your journey thru the unknown