I saw my psychologist before Christmas and won’t see her again until the 13th of Feb as she is on holiday. Still, at our last appointment, she touched on something that had me pondering the difference between being submissive and shy.
Definitions:
Submissive: Ready to conform to the authority or will of others; meekly obedient or passive (Oxford Dictionary). To be submissive is to obey or yield to someone else. When you are submissive, you submit to someone else's will, which literally, you put your own desires lower than theirs (Vocabulary.com).
Shy: Nervous or timid in the company of other people (Oxford Dictionary). Making small talk is not much fun for a shy person. Shy means being nervous or reserved around others, especially in a social situation (Vocabulary.com).
Ina has a trauma flip chart by Janina Fisher, which she has referred to in both my appointments. The flip chart aims to help people feel understood and supported by presenting the information in an easily digestible format of pictures and diagrams. It was during my second appointment that Ina pointed to submissiveness as a trauma-surviving behaviour, to which I replied, “All my life, I thought I was shy, but I may have, in fact, mistaken shyness for submissiveness”. Ina pointed out that it’s not necessarily a bad thing, as it’s what helped me survive.
So which one is it?
I think I’m both, depending on the context.
I understand that shyness stems from fear of judgement, and submissiveness stems from the desire to be accepted.
Shyness held me back from applying for a job until I was 18, staying quiet in the group, public speaking,
Submissiveness has led me to put others’ needs before my own, to try too hard to sustain a relationship, not to be the one to decide where to eat and what movie to watch, not voice my needs, and not stand up for myself.
Both behaviours have kept me safe in their respective context, but the submissiveness has led me to be in sticky situations that could have been prevented if I had just said No.
Awareness is key, and I find the more aware I am of behaviours, the more I can pull myself up when the behaviour is not serving me in my favour.
I’m looking forward to learning more about myself with Ina’s guidance.
Most of the India kids in my generation are brought up as Submissiveness, even like or not that you have to follow what parents say, that's has been taken upto the extent like what education kids study decided by parents. I felt shyness when I went to college as its coeducation compare to my schooling was in boys school. It takes lot of efforts to come out from submissiveness or sometimes we used to it throughout our lifetime... All the best for your transformation towards coming out of it.