I’m back after a 3-week holiday, which I may write about later, but for now, this topic has been sitting in my drafts for a while, and a post on Instagram prompted me to write it.
Sorry…
Is the word that I think is the most overused. Don’t get me wrong, it can be helpful, but I think we often say it without really thinking about it or without genuinely meaning it.
“adjectFeelingeling or expressing regret or sorrow or a sense of loss over something done or undone. Synonyms: bad, regretful, penitent, repentant. Feeling or expressing remorse for misdeeds.”
Sorry, I’m late. Sorry, I can’t make it to dinner anymore. Sorry, but I don’t eat seafood. Sorry, I said hurtful things to you. Sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you.
Sometimes, I think we can acknowledge a situation without apologising for it, especially when the apology means apologising for who we are. We can strive to be better people without apologising for our very being.
What I think is more important than apologising is acknowledging the situation, discussing the event and feelings involved, and clearing up any misunderstandings or assumptions.
On Monday, the Holistic Psychologist posted:
“Time is not an apology.
Most people have no idea how to apologise.
They see vulnerability as a weakness. And they have a tonne of toxic shame around their behaviour, so they avoid it.
They think time heals the wound, and ignoring it makes it go away.
Time doesn’t heal all wounds.
Difficult conversations do.
Vulnerability does.
Apologies and changed behaviour do.
Time does nothing except make the memory fade, but the body never forgets.”
I have experienced this so many times in my life within my various relationships.
I have seen conflict in my family where someone has refused to talk to someone else until they apologise. However, if a person doesn’t realise they have upset someone or can’t see how their behaviour upset someone, the apology would be meaningless because they wouldn’t know what they were apologising for. Instead, the best approach would be to have a conversation about the problem event and have both parties air their feelings calmly and rationally. This might mean that you need to take some time away to think and reflect before having a conversation. I have certainly gotten better at recognising when my emotions are taking over and saying I need to step away so that I don’t react emotionally. “Can we return to this conversation in a few hours/days?” It takes a fair amount of awareness to recognise when we are at this point, but I’d rather not be saying things in the heat of the moment that I might regret later.
What often happens when things get heated is that someone walks away, and then the conversation is never had; one or both parties assume it has been forgotten until the next issue arises and then all the things you ever said and did wrong come up in one conversation because they were never spoken about at the time. Instead of moving on and growing from these wounds, we hold onto them. When we hold onto them, the relationship is affected without realising; we change our behaviours or withdraw because we are still nursing and holding onto the wound.
A common example is in parent/child relationships where the parent may get frustrated with the child and lash out at them, and then the parent carries on like it never happened. I’ve learnt it’s best for the parent/child relationship for the parent to acknowledge they let their emotions get the better of them and that it isn’t the child’s fault.
A romantic relationship example is ghosting. Instead of a person saying hey, you’re a cool person, but I don’t think we are a good fit romantically, people disappear and never speak to them again even though they may have initially said I will call or text you.
We are a ghosting, non-communicative society that shies away from hard conversations, and mental health is the worst it has ever been; I believe the two are linked.
Starting the hard conversations with our children is an excellent start to shifting this culture. I don’t have any children (yet), but I try and practice this with my 16-month-old niece, who can understand more words than what she can say. I wanted to do something nice for my sister and get a painted handprint on a card for Mother’s Day; Zoe didn’t like the paint on her hand and started to cry. I tried to get a handprint on the paper and then cleaned her up immediately, acknowledging that I made her do something she didn’t want to do and that I thought it would be a nice surprise for mummy. Once I cleaned the paint off her, I cuddled her and she was okay.
Sorry still belongs in our vocabulary, but my point is to be more mindful when using it and make sure it’s genuine and not because you think it’s what someone wants to hear or because it’s the “right thing to do”.
It’s different when using it in a sympathy context of I’m sorry for your loss, or I’m so sorry that happened to you (as long as you mean it). We can also use phrases like, I am thinking of you or sending love/healing your way.
What are your thoughts on apologising?
Do you think it’s an overused word?
Have you apologised for something you shouldn’t have?
Can you recall a situation that needed a follow-up conversation, but it never happened?
100% percent it's overused and I have 100% used it when I didn't mean it just to get me out of a situation or if I don't have the energy to argue.
Maybe too being told that apologising first makes you the bigger person. But why would anyone want a forced apology? In that instance I don't so much think it's about the apology but rather power and status. Forcing someone to do something they don't want to do and you want them to do makes you feel superior to them.
Good blog though, Clare. It's something I'm definitely going to take on board. I think it can be a bit of a cop out or a way for us to take the easy way sometimes.
I was always taught, sorry, thank you and please..these words open up many doors
Apologising is a reflex thing, like when you are going into a shopping centre and you bump or almost bump into someone and you instinctively say sorry.
It’s more important to show that you are sorry by helping someone up off the floor after accidentally knocking them over. That has more impact. Action speak louder than words.
A little kindness goes a long way