In last week's blog, I discussed receiving a disappointing mark for my final assessment for the counselling unit I took in trimester 3. Counselling was the only unit available to me, which meant I had a lot of time and energy to focus on it. Receiving a pass was a bit of a kick in the guts, especially with the time and effort I put into learning and completing each assessment.
“I should be doing better” is what came to mind, but then I wondered whose expectation this is. Should is the expectation from others, stems from guilt, and is judgmental.
Should -
used to indicate obligation, duty, or correctness, typically when criticizing someone's actions.
Used to indicate what is probable.
When I completed my undergraduate certificate in Community Support and post-grad in Health Science, I worked full-time (running my business), competed in weightlifting, and tried to maintain a social life. I achieved grades I didn’t think I could, including my first ever HDs (yes, there were more than 1) and Ds; there were no Cs or Ps. This gave me confidence that completing a Master’s degree was not out of my league. I completed 3 units in my first trimester with barely any work because the rowers were away or between seasons for most of it. The unit I found the hardest was the one that I achieved the highest grade (D) and the other 2 I got C’s. After completing the first assessment in counselling and receiving the grade, I thought, okay, maybe a credit is what I should be aiming for. I aimed to take the feedback on board and improve on the final assessment, which I got 8 marks less! I felt deflated.
Meanwhile, my two classmates who were scared to look at their grades scored quite highly; I was genuinely happy for them, mainly because one almost withdrew from the course. But was left wondering where I went wrong. The lecturer kindly offered me a meeting so we could discuss it, which I think helped, but I still had that negative thought of “I should be doing better”.
After shaking it off to Taylor Swift, I’m ready for my final trimester. I have a fresh mindset that as long as I’m learning and passing, my grade doesn’t matter. My grades don’t define who I am or how well I will be able to execute the job. I know that experience is what will help me grow and learn the most.
Like Josh Spector, I’m removing the word should from my vocabulary. My expectations matter more than the expectations of others.
I wanted to do better.
Further reading: https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/the-path-passionate-happiness/202205/why-no-good-comes-the-word-should