I’d never been interested in getting a tattoo, even when my twin sister Nicole got hers while on a trip to Melbourne.
I couldn’t think of anything I wanted permanently drawn onto my body but I appreciate the art on other people’s bodies and respect their decisions on getting inked.
Buckle in, this may be the longest blog I’ve written to date.
In 2009, my friend Jess and I went on a study adventure to Invercargill, NZ, to study 3 units and gain the Bachelor of Therapeutic and Sports Massage. We lived in a hotel/apartment building (Living Space) with two floors for students, we met 17-year-old Hannah the day she arrived, with her mum to help her settle in. Hannah, shy at first, became my little Kiwi sister. Jess and I watched her grow as she studied for her certificate in massage and navigated being out of home for the first time. She went from cooking chicken breast in a pan to chicken breast and frozen veggies and branched out to making chicken burgers. I feel honoured to have watched her graduate with her certificate.
I left Invercargill on the 17th of December that same year. Hannah and I kept in touch on Facebook over years, mostly sharing comments on photos, but occasionally she’d write to me with requests for lasagne or ask if I missed her. Every Birthday I would repeat a phrase that our confident Hannah often said, “Hannah’s got it going on,” and she would write it back to me on my birthday; it was our thing.
In Feb 2016, Nicole and I attended a school friend's wedding in Blenheim; Hannah was living back in her hometown of Hamilton, closer to family support to raise her son. I told Hannah I’d be in New Zealand but that we would be in Wellington for a few days and then spend the rest of our time in Blenheim and Nelson and that Hamilton was a bit too far as we were away for only a week. I couldn’t justify taking any longer; being self-employed meant no money was coming in, and I still had a mortgage and my workspace rent to pay.
Hannah and I connected on snap chat in May 2016; I added her so I could send her snaps of the lasagne I was making.
It’s fascinating how the world sometimes works because this next part is a memory I hold close to my heart.
It’s now June, State of Origin Game 2. I had plans to have dinner and watch the game, but the person cancelled at the last minute. I found myself annoyed, feeling rejected and eating baked beans for dinner because I hadn’t planned on eating dinner at home.
Hannah sent me a snap chat, we chatted while I watched the game. I then decided I’d had enough of the game and since I had to be up early for the gym, I went to bed. Hannah had asked me if I still had my boyfriend (it had been a while since we had properly caught up), and I told her no and gave the short story of what happened (we had been broken up for almost three years).
I had just got into bed when Hannah called me, I considered not answering, but I answered. Hello? “I CAN’T BELIEVE HE DID THAT; YOU ARE THE NICEST PERSON IN THE WORLD…."
We chatted for half an hour, filling each other in on the happenings of our life and reminiscing our time in Invers; before we hung up, she asked if she could call me again, I replied with “Hannah, you can call me whenever you want". I told her I loved her and that I was proud of her and we said goodnight and hung up.
My mood was elated the next day; I didn’t care that I was tired because I stayed up past bedtime, and I told a few of my patients about this fabulous catch-up that I had.
The next snap chat Hannah sent me was on Friday night (origin was Wednesday) I was out and wanted to wait till I got home because I didn’t want my attention to be taken away from the people I was with, and I also wanted to give Hannah my full attention. I opened it when I got home, and it was a photo of her with a cat that she had found; I sent a text reply, that she would never open.
I’d been to the gym and opened up Facebook, and I saw a wall post to Hannah in my news feed, RIP Hannah. I clicked on Hannah’s profile, and her feed was full of tributes. I texted Jess “I think something has happened to Hannah” and told her what I saw, but there was no detail in any of the posts about what happened. I found her mother’s profile and sent her a message, “ I’m sorry to message you at this time, but I’ve seen all the messages on Hannah’s Facebook wall; what happened?”
Hannah was killed in a car accident along with the three other occupants; their car was street-racing another car. The other car involved fled the scene and the occupants were found a few days later, the eventual sentence unjust for the families of the deceased.
I was devastated and in disbelief at the same time. This can’t be, I only spoke to her a few days ago, how can she be gone?
I called my mum on the home phone, you know shit is real when you call the home phone, I know I have a greater chance of my parents answering the home phone. Mum wasn’t home, so I called her mobile, “hello?” “Hi Mum (holding back tears) where are you?” She was out running errands, “is everything okay?”, “my friend Hannah was killed in a car accident last night”. Mum came over, she helped me hung up the rest of my washing and took me to her house where I spent the day on her couch, crying on and off while refreshing the NZ Herarld for news updates. I will be forever grateful to my family and friends for all their love and support especially in this moment of need.
Jess (who was living in Sydney at the time) and I decided to fly to NZ to attend Hannah’s funeral. My Dad (again, thank you universe) was house sitting for a friend in Auckland at the time, so not only did we have somewhere to stay, my dad was there to support us and drive us to Hamilton for the funeral.
I sent Jess a text while I was on the bus to Sydney and I said to her, “I’ve been thinking that, maybe I’ll get a tattoo”. Jess who has multiple tattoos already replied, “lets do it!”
Even though we arrived early enough to view Hannah before the service, we didn’t know where to find her and I decided that I was okay with not seeing her one last time. The funeral was the closure we both needed, we saw her mother (who we hadn’t seen since she settled Hannah into Living Space back) who was overwhelmed by our attendance and could see how much Hannah meant to us. We also got to see Hannah’s son, another reason why I wanted to attend, because I hadn’t met him yet and she spoke so fondly of him during our conversation.
Once we were back in Auckland, we had a free day before heading home.
If Jess hadn’t pushed finding a tattoo parlour, I probably wouldn’t have got the tattoo but she wouldn’t let up about it, so we went in search of one.
When we were living in Invercargill, Hannah wanted to get a tattoo, but she was scared and wanted Jess and I to go with her. Jess sat directly next to her and I stood on the other side of the bench chatting and providing my support.
I’d decided from the moment I had the idea that I would get a tattoo just like the one Hannah had but I’d get a pink rose because red is my least favourite colour and pink also happens to be our shared favourite colour.
I showed the artist the picture and he said “do you mind if it’s not exactly the same, because I can make it better.” “No problem, I replied, you’re the artist afterall” He drew the design and I approved but asked if he could make it a bit smaller. I had envisioned my tattoo to be the same size as Hannahs and wanted it down at my ankle so that it was discreet but still visible to me.
I lay down on the bed, into position and Mike started my tattoo. He calmly explained the process to me and I was surprisingly relaxed. Jess said “I can’t believe you’re getting a tattoo”, “neither can I” was my reply. Mike was surprised how relaxed I was, it didn’t hurt like I thought it would, but I think lying down helped relax me as well as the exhaustion from the travel and grief. 45 minutes later and it was done. Jess got her design, we paid and we left. I will be forever grateful for Mike’s friendliness because I feel he contributed to how much I like my tattoo. I feel if he was adbrupt or seemed annoyed because my tattoo was “only small” I would have held some resentment to his piece of art on me.
We had a great remaining time in Auckland, and walked up One Tree Hill and Mt Eden, which I hadn’t done before although it wasn’t my first time to Auckland.
It took me a few months to get used to my tattoo, I loved it but also wasn’t sure I liked how big it was. I then decided that if my tattoo was smaller, it wouldn’t have the amazing detail it has. Even now almost 7 years later, people are noticing it for the first time. “Is it new?” No, I’ve had it since 2016, but maybe you’re noticing it now because I’m wearing shorts today”.
The meaning behind it is what I value the most. It’s a tribute to Hannah, but a reminder for me to live my life. Hannah packed a lot into her 24 years of life. It serves as a reminder to take extra time off work if it means you get to spend time with people you care about, I have lived by it ever since.
A friend whom I met on holidays in Turkey was in Sydney for 1 night for her honeymoon and I only found out with a few days notice. I booked a bus to Sydney, organised to stay at a friends and met up with them after their harbour cruise. To this day I am glad I went, because after covid lockdowns and life happening, I don’t know when I’ll get over to NewYork to see her.
I am so grateful for my last conversation with Hannah, it’s almost like she knew she had limited time. Everything I would have wanted to say to her was said during this conversation.
The morning of her death she had contacted a couple of other girls who had lived at Living Space, informing them she’d be in Auckland and asked if they wanted to catch up. They didn’t see her, one of them never replied, the other didn’t have the time.
I was upset about having dinner cancelled at the last minute, but if I was out at dinner I wouldn’t have been on my phone talking to Hannah and that last phone call may never have happened, so now I am grateful to the person who cancelled on me last minute too.
I’ll sign off by leaving some lyrics of one of my favourite songs,
Moments by Bliss n Eso.
That's bloody beautiful, Clare.
Rest in Peace Hannah, my goodness this has me bawling my eyes out. 😭😭