My Dad arrived back home safely at 11.40 pm on Tuesday. He had sent me a message between flights in Brisbane asking to organise a time to catch up.
Dad cooked breakfast Wednesday morning, and I calmly asked him why he didn’t feel he could tell anyone he was going to Fiji. During this conversation, Dad discovered I never received the text message he sent me at 6 am AEST on Monday (it had shown it was sent on his end). Had I received it, I wouldn’t have gone through the panic and worry for his welfare, but I’d be in a position where I’d have to cover up for him or tell the rest of my family that Dad had gone to Fiji without saying anything. I prefer how it panned out because I wouldn’t have liked being in on the “secret”.
I am grateful for all my learnings and understanding of psychology and human behaviour. This has contributed to me handling the situation the way I have and not taking Dad’s behaviour personally.
Emotions are data; whilst we can’t control our emotions, we can control how we react.
Dad chose not to tell Mum about visiting his friend because he felt she wouldn’t have been supportive. Given his long recent episode of depression, which saw him withdraw from social situations, become disinterested in travel and struggle to get himself out of bed most days, it’s quite a turnaround to then fly to Fiji for the weekend to attend a football game.
Dad had a great weekend, and I loved how much his face lit up when he spoke about his friend (they hadn’t seen each other in 3 years).
Because Dad did not know I hadn’t received his message, he also could not anticipate where my thoughts would go when I found him missing. I expressed my fear that he had taken his life and how scared that made me, but it’s also a wake-up call that just because I’m used to not hearing from Dad regularly doesn’t mean I shouldn’t try communicating with him. I emphasised that I don’t expect him to tell me everything but that I hope that he feels that he can’t talk to anybody, one person is all it takes, and he can choose who he confides in and who he doesn’t. The conversation with Dad mostly ended up being about me more than it was about him. Explaining that I understood but also recognising that it must have been hard for him to lie to us. He never intended to hurt anybody, and at the time, he preferred to go to Fiji without us knowing than to go without our support. This highlights something that we need to resolve as a family. It’s not a blame game but rather us all being responsible for the safety felt within this family.
Dad and I are similar, and I have inherited more of his traits than my Mum’s. I spoke will him about expressing or telling his story in a way that feels comfortable. I recall Mum commenting on Dad writing really lovely things on cards, but when it came to verbal communication, he couldn’t find the right words. I encouraged Dad to use this strength and maybe write about how depression was for him, how hopeless it made him feel and what life is like for him now that he is out of the other side…. For now (because depression isn’t something that you get completely cured of).
The resolution, I think, will be a tricky one, but I believe there is one that exists. It concerns the relationship between Dad and all of us individually. I’ve encouraged him to talk to friends, seek counselling and strategies to approach having the conversations and, most importantly, wait for emotions to settle down a little so that people don’t say things out of hurt they will regret later. My Mum and my siblings are not as understanding as I am, and they are still quite angry and feel betrayed by him.
I can see how Mum and Dad, in particular, unknowingly and unintentionally trigger each other. Mum’s behaviour which stems from childhood trauma, causes Dad to withdraw, and Dad’s withdrawal triggers Mum, which causes Dad to pull back even more, further exacerbating Mum’s behaviour. But I’ve made it clear that this is between the two of them and no one else.
Ultimately, I thanked Dad for going to Fiji because if he hadn’t, yesterday’s open and vulnerable conversation wouldn’t have happened, and I feel my relationship with Dad is now stronger.
Emotions are data 👍
Great to hear Dad is home in one piece and your explanation of your parent's relationship sounds eerily familiar...