Two weeks ago, I woke up tired with a headache and in disbelief that I could be tired and sore from a few hours of work, and a 5.4km run the day before. I tried to do some uni but couldn’t concentrate, so I tried to start a self-harm course on the Pan American Health Organisation website, but I couldn’t focus on that either. I spent the day either on the couch or attempting and cutting away different tasks. It wasn’t until I went to bed that evening and noticed heart palpitations that I realised what I was feeling was anxiety. I managed 4 hours of sleep, nothing I tried (meditation, breathwork) seemed to help calm me down. I feared more nights like this, so I booked a GP appointment for that afternoon. I thought having the appointment would help me relax, but instead, I went into overdrive, thinking about what I would say to the doctor, where I would start, and how to explain my situation in the 20 minutes allocated for a Mental Health Plan appointment.
Seeing a psychologist is something I’ve wanted to do for a while, but I was aware of the costs involved and thought if I tried the mental health plan avenue, I’d be knocked back because I wasn’t ‘bad enough’.
In September, I wrote about making the connection between anxiety and asthma flares. My thoughts confirmed when I read When The Body Says No. On Tuesday (just before the anxiety truck), I had finished reading Penny Moodies’ book The Joy Thief, about her journey with OCD, including a form I’d never heard of, relationship OCD. I did some research, and at first, I thought no, that’s not me. I don’t have any compulsions, but then I realised that checking (online) and assurance-seeking are compulsions of relationship OCD. I’m glad I read the book, but that, combined with recently starting a counselling unit at uni, set my nervous system into overdrive (on top of recovering from COVID 2.0).
The GP I saw was new to me, and I must say, I think I have found a new regular GP as I liked her approach and felt like she listened to me. I told her, given my prescribed asthma preventer, that I think my asthma should be better than it is and that I think my anxiety is leading to long-lasting flare-ups. I’d also been struggling with motivation. She asked me if I wanted a health care plan and/or medication, and I told her, with the state I was in, “I think I need both”. Dr Shaeen Chaudhary then said what no other doctor had told me before. Come and see (talk) me whenever you want. I felt much calmer after talking to her, perhaps because I’d started the process and was looking after myself.
I wonder if I have been getting increasingly anxious as I age or if it has always been there, but I’ve been too busy to notice. Now that I have a less chaotic life, I can notice more.
As a result of the anxiety truck, my HRV (heart rate variability) had been unbalanced or low, so I spoke to my coach and close friend about the situation, and she has modified my training so that the intensity of my exercise is at a tolerable level. My Garmin had my training status as strained even without strenuous activity, so I knew I needed the movement and the recovery. My HRV has returned to balance early this week but is still on the lower end.
After asking around for recommendations, I had my first psychologist appointment on Monday. She was lovely, I filled her in on my thoughts, feelings and history, which is what I expected for a first appointment. I have a follow-up with her next week, I’ve started the process now, and she will be away until the 12th of February. I told her I wasn’t there for a diagnosis as such, but I wanted to speak to someone and hopefully get some strategies to assist with what she ended up naming my emotional tolerance. I told her I was looking forward to the growth I would get from this journey.
I’ve been taking an SSRI called Escitalopram for almost two weeks; I’m unsure if it has made a difference yet, but I was told it could take 4 to 6 weeks to take effect and hopefully just a temporary measure to help me get myself back into balance.
I’ve decided to take a break from non-fiction books for a bit. I have read three fiction books and am enjoying the change.
I’ve been trying to attend social occasions, but I am often tired to the point where I need a nap afterwards.
Last week, I attended Recovery for Resilience at Aequus Movement to try out the cold pool and sauce for nervous system regulation. I started in the cold, went in the sauna and then finished with 4 minutes in the cold. I think the combination of the pool and the company helped. That was followed with a walk up Mt Ainslie on Saturday to celebrate Tim entering the 30’s club, met some new people and had some great conversations!
I’d love to see the Medicare Mental Health Plan accessible to everyone. If everyone could access 6 to 10 subsidised psychology appointments annually, it would reduce the need and cost of crisis support. Why must we wait until we hit rock bottom to access semi-affordable help? I say semi-affordable because even with the rebate, the process is costly. Psychologists charge anywhere from $200 to $400 for 50 to 60 minutes, with a rebate of $93.35 for a psychologist or $137.05 for a Clinical Psychologist. I’m grateful that I have the funds support myself through my journey, but I know ,this service is inaccessible to many others, even with the rebate. The current model is one of sick care, rather than health care = doing what we can to be the healthiest versions of ourselves.
Would you like to share your thoughts/feelings/experiences on this topic?
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