It’s been a rough few days, but I also realised that my family makes me sick.
My Grandma turned 95 on Monday, and there was an afternoon tea to celebrate on Sunday at my Aunt’s house.
I don’t have a relationship with my Gran; I couldn’t tell you the last time I saw her. I don’t visit her, nor do I want to, despite my mother telling me she asks about me often. I decided to attend her birthday because my cousin, whom I stayed with at the last minute for the Matilda’s Denmark clash, would be there.
Having so much awareness around trauma and associated behaviours can be hard when people with the coping behaviours surround you. Still, you are aware of the elephant in the room at every family event. People carry on like everything is fine, taking photos to make it appear on social media that everyone is having a good time; meanwhile, others are trying to outdo the other by giving the best gift, a sign of trying to win love and approval. “Look at me, look what I did”. My mother was away in QLD, so she didn’t attend, but I don’t think she was disappointed. I know how much family events stress her, too.
I spoke to a few family members during my time there or was watching Zoe. Making sure she wasn’t wandering where she shouldn’t (aka the toilet and getting the toilet brush). Afternoon tea started at 2.30 p.m., but my aunt didn’t show up with Gran until 3 p.m. By then, we had settled into places and conversation, and as there wasn’t room for everyone to sit, many of us were standing where we could. I recall Gran commenting on one of her friends about being comfortable on the lounge, to which the friend replied, “Well, I wasn’t going to stand and wait for you”. I’ve heard how, as people age, they lose their filter and get cranky, but my Grandmother is entitled too. She thinks that because of her age and who she is, we should bow down to her the minute she walks into the room. My exchange with her came when I went to the table for food. “Oh, hello, Clare; nice of you to come and kiss me. I saw you standing by the window, hiding in the corner”. I forced myself to kiss her on the cheek and left it at that. Her tone was aggressive, and I was upset at how she spoke to me. Once I got home, I had a big coughing fit, not severe like the one a few weeks ago, but I couldn’t stop. At this moment, I realised that my family triggered my asthma, as I have many recollections of asthma episodes that came after spending time with my family. It’s like I was finally out of the stressful situation. My body just let go. I went to my friend Andrew’s apartment (who lives in the building across from me) to watch the 2nd half of the Raiders vs. Knights game. I needed to be with safe people.
I slept terribly that night, waking up several times and feeling like my heart was pounding through my chest. On Tuesday, I woke up with a headache, which remained for most of the day. I was glad I didn’t have work commitments because I stayed in bed until after 10 a.m. and let myself rest and regulate my emotions. I checked my Garmin stress level from Sunday, and it was high. I sent a screenshot to my cousin and said family events are not for me. She sent back a similar looking screenshot. I probably needed to let myself be on Monday; however, I had an 8 a.m. appointment booked and needed to go to the chemist because I was running out of my asthma preventer. I dropped by my brother and partner to say hello before they left for their holiday to Korea. I had committed to teaching (covering for someone delayed overseas at the last minute) sports massage to visiting Japanese students that afternoon at UC. I’m feeling much better today with 8.5 hours of good-quality sleep. I have been to the gym and will get stuck into uni after I publish this blog.
I have many questions I would like to ask my Grandmother, but I feel she is too old and frail to be able to answer them. She has celebrated another birthday despite saying for many years that she is ready to go. I feel she’s still here because she has unfinished family business, but I cannot see her making amends for these, so I guess she will go when her body has given up. I learned from reading Viktor Frankl's book Man’s Search for Meaning that when people have given up hope and have nothing to live for, they will leave us. Perhaps this unfinished business would be too hard for her to bear. I don’t blame her for the abuse that happened to my mother because she was probably trying to survive herself. Her husband died in 2000, though, so she has had 23 years to open up the conversation about it, but she hasn’t.
During her afternoon tea, she told my aunt, “I guess I’m the reason most of these people are here on the earth!” It is true without her giving her children life, none of my cousins or their children would exist. Life is a gift, but intergenerational trauma will always be the elephant in the room. Our family has a culture of people-pleasing, entitlement, fighting for attention, silent treatment, passive-aggressive exchanges, and avoiding important yet challenging conversations.
I have a fractured relationship with my mother, which I have spoken about in my blog, Mother’s Day. It’s a work in progress, and I don’t know if my mother will ever be a safe person for me. It breaks my heart that she’s not, but I can see where it stems from, which is why I’m the cycle breaker, the family's “black sheep”.
There is a big assumption or expectation even that families stick together. The first people you turn to are your family. But when the love and support from family is often conditional, it’s not a safe or nurturing environment to grow, learn and heal.
A great article Clare, I too found it difficult to deal with my pop in the latter stages of his life. As a kid there was always some level of resentment because I didn't have the Jordan name that he did. While my cousins that did were met with much nicer tones or looked after better. It's difficult too because I used to love going to the farm, but often my fondest memories there were when I wasn't around my pop or extended family.
I would never understand the squabbling, even now I still don't. Eventually I just cut ties all together, sometimes life is too short to be stuff in a stress spiral because of others.
I'm glad you had a safe person, pity about the Raiders result!
These thoughts are often hard enough to grasp and accept to one’s self let alone write down and share so openly and honestly. You will always have a safe space with me Clare.