Mother’s Day is when you spoil your mum and try even harder to behave best as a kid. But for us, it didn’t matter what we did; Mum always ended up being upset; sometimes, it would be tears, but other times it was yelling, lashing out and tears. It’s only now, as a result of my reading into trauma and emotional regulation, that I fully understand these episodes of extreme emotion on Mother’s Day had nothing to do with what we kids (4 of us) and Dad did or didn’t do. It was the fact it was Mother’s Day and that my Mother grieves for the Mother she never had every day but even more so on a day that celebrates our Mothers.
My Mother was sexually abused by someone who is supposed to protect, nurture, love and support her. Of the 9 children in her family (5 girls, 4 boys), she was the only one to be abused in this way. This man’s name was Kevin, and he was her Father. Her Mother, likely doing what she needed to survive, knew it was happening and did not stop or protect her daughter.
Karma got Kevin in the end; he died in 2000, aged 60 years old, I was 12 or 13, and it wasn’t until I was 17/18 that my Mother told me what this man did to her. I will not go into details about the abuse; it is not my story, but I hope one day I can share it with you in my Mother's words because she lived it.
Intergenerational Trauma
Some of you may have read my blog on Grace Tame, which, while I have not suffered any abuse, I could relate to around her discussion on the effect of intergenerational trauma, more specifically, people pleasing.
When people ask about my family and our likeness, I often say, “I am nothing like my Mother”. Physically, I have more traits from my Father, and we are also similar in how we both enjoy reading the newspaper and watching sports and have a relaxed nature. Then I read the book Women Who Love Too Much, and upon finishing, I said, Oh my goodness, a lot of my behaviour I have learned is from my Mother, and her behaviours are survival responses to her sexual abuse trauma.
People Pleasing is a common trauma response, especially in women, and an adaptive coping mechanism resulting from childhood trauma. People Pleasers appear kind and generous and go out of their way to do things for others which often means they don’t set boundaries. They put others’ needs before their own and need validation from others to feel worthy and loved. The abuse they suffered as a child taught them that they weren’t good enough or must have been bad to have deserved such ill-treatment.
Awareness is everything. I have learned this from my mother and see it in my sister too. I can consciously heal and change my behaviour now that I am aware and have the support of some friends to do so. My family is a work in progress, especially my mother; and our strained relationship. I have deep compassion and understanding for her behaviour. What she went through, but the more I learn, the more I find myself resentful because she can’t see how much her trauma has impacted our family and how much her life would improve if she actively worked through her trauma.
I learned the link between trauma and autoimmune disease in The Body Keeps The Score. When you’re constantly in fight mode, your immune system is hyperactive, so it makes sense that it would eventually attack itself. My Mother has recently had some heart issues due to undiagnosed high blood pressure, which I also believe to be an effect of the body holding trauma.
My childhood wasn’t terrible; we always got what we needed and had private school education; we were encouraged to do sports and music and go on extracurricular school trips. My Mother was on a mission to give us the childhood she never had.
My Mother loves her family and lives for her children and grandchildren, but in my experience, it has not been unconditional love. I remember breaking down the day I realised and said out loud that I had been judged and shamed by my Mother my whole life. I do not blame her, but I cannot deny that this has greatly affected me and like the people pleasing, awareness, knowledge, and support will help me on my healing journey.
My Dad’s recent trip to Fiji opened up a conversation with him about all I have mentioned. I understand why he didn’t want to tell her about the trip, the difficulty of the criticism and the feeling that your relationship will be okay if you do what she wants or thinks you should do. The realisation that I have been longing to be loved by her for who I am and not for who she wants me to be, which I don’t even know what that is.
My Mother isn’t ready for this conversation, and I’m unsure if she will ever be. I recently reached out to both her and Dad as I’m feeling stuck in the middle of their relationship disrepair and opened up about my thoughts and feelings on the situation voicing that I don’t withhold things from them on purpose but that I am afraid of how the information will be received, so I choose to keep it to myself. My Mothers response was dismissive “I am your Mum and will always be here for you and do for you and will always love you the same as I love all my children”. An indication that she is not ready for a deep conversation like what I had with my Father. It’s easier for her to blame me for not opening up to her than to ask herself why I don’t. My Mother would rather believe something is wrong with my Father than delve into herself and accept any responsibility for the situation.
I am grateful for my friends and for the
community and the ability to write this blog which has been more of an outlet than I ever imagined. just published a great piece last night about what diamonds can teach us about growth.“We need people in our life who will act like that craft person — who have our best interests at heart and will help us to cut away and shape the experience of our pressure to form something of beauty. It is only after the refinement process that the true brilliance of the pressure being overcome manifests itself.”
So thanks to each of you reading this and the people in my life who aren’t connected to me by blood but are all my craft people.