Friendship - The Best Ship
It’s been exactly 12 months since I started this blog—Happy Birthday to Reflections of a Clarebear, the name derived from Carebears, one of my favourite things growing up, representing our different emotions. You can read my first post here.
Thanks to my 46 subscribers for following along; you have the privilege of reading and knowing some of the most intimate parts of me that I don’t share on any other public forum.
At the start of the month, I turned another year older, and I often reflect on my friendships around this day.
Friendship is “a state of enduring affection, esteem, intimacy, and trust between two people. In all cultures, friendships are important relationships throughout a person’s life span” (https://www.britannica.com/topic/friendship).
Why do I reflect on my friendships at this time? Because it’s the day when people send you Birthday wishes, and I’m often surprised by the people I hear from and those I don’t.
I removed my Birthday from Facebook 2 years ago because I didn’t want or need the wall posts from people. I have moved to a paper Birthday calendar so that I am not relying on Facebook for people’s birthdays. I like to send text messages, video wishes or cards to many of my friends. That’s not to say I don’t acknowledge people’s milestones on Facebook. Those who are more acquaintances will get a wall post. I’ve heard of people unfriending people on their birthdays because they’re not wishing the person a happy birthday, and therefore, the friendship doesn’t warrant being Facebook friends.
For those who are new to the blog or don’t know, I have a twin sister, and her Birthday is displayed on Facebook, so people naturally will write on my wall after they write on hers. My mum’s Aunt, however, wrote on Nicole’s wall, “Happy Birthday Nicole. And likewise to Clare if she is celebrating today too.” Nicole said, “That’s a bit weird. Why wouldn’t you be celebrating?”.
I’m someone who doesn’t like being the centre of attention; I value close, intimate relationships over superficial ones, small dinners and gatherings over parties. Despite having parties for both 18th and 21st Birthdays, I think back to how much I would have preferred different outings with my other groups of friends so I could spend time with each of them. I think we had parties because that’s what everyone did, and it was almost the million-dollar question of where are you having your party. My 30th Birthday was celebrated small and intimate: I posted what I was doing, gave people a deadline to let me know if they wanted to come, and booked accommodation. It was a great Birthday, with people who wanted to be there.
I heard this topic briefly on Triple J on Tuesday morning with Bryce and Concetta. Concetta realised she had 2,000 Facebook friends and didn’t recall many of them and was brainstorming with the listeners how to cull without offending people. A caller rang and said she invited her whole 500 Facebook friend list to her Birthday party one year and decided she would cull those who didn’t come. She had 13 friends show up to her party, which had an open bar, and afterwards, she created a new Facebook account, adding the people who attended (and maybe friendships made after that). I’ve had a similar experience where Nicole organised a Birthday dinner for us, and some of my close friends who I thought would be there didn’t come, many of them not telling me they weren’t coming (what is with people RSVPing maybe, and then not committing or declining?).
I'm not sure I’d cull all the friends who didn’t attend a Birthday celebration, but I would evaluate each friendship in my life.
Friendships change; sometimes, we grow together and sometimes apart. Some people we meet and feel like we’ve known our whole lives, while those we have known our whole life remain as an acquaintance.
Some friendships ebb and flow, and I know of a few of these in my life.
One of the hard things as a single person is having your friendships change because your friends are in a different stage of life than you are. Many of my friends have partners and children, so they often hang out with other couples and families than their single friends.
A person who was my best friend for many years sent me a birthday text at 9 p.m. She asked how my day was, and 18 days later, I still haven’t heard back from her. This is probably the most challenging friendship change for me because when she was single, she would text me from when she woke up to when we went to sleep. We would talk about everything and support each other through our emotional journeys. During this stage, she lived in NZ or Sydney; I recall not seeing or talking to her as much during her time in Canberra. Our friendship seemed to grow when we didn’t live in the same state (we did live in NZ together for 5.5 months, and I feel we likely needed a break from each other when we returned). She would be one of the first people I told my good news and who I turned to for comfort. I find nowadays, I shy away from it because I don’t get the support from her as quickly as I need it. I’m hoping this is just the nature of our ebb-and-flow relationship, but perhaps I’m affected more because I rely more on my friendships than she does as a married person.
A few weeks ago, I listened to an Imperfects Podcast episode by Dr Emily (psychologist) on friendship. I found it a great listen and liked how she framed the different levels of friendships in our lives. I see a common issue in friendships (similar to family relationships): because you have a relationship with this person, they should know all the ins and outs of your life. When the reality is different people help us with different topics or issues. In our most vulnerable states, we tend to turn to people who are safe, understanding and good listeners. We are happy to share photos of our holiday with our Facebook friend list or Instagram followers, but the circle is naturally much smaller when it comes to intimate details.
I talk to friends daily, but I might not delve into the most hurt parts of myself with them. I have another friend I speak to and see frequently; we read the same books and are on a similar journey of self-development. Another friend whose birthday message was “Happy Birthday, my friend who I never see but quite value your opinion”. I value his friendship just as much, and despite not seeing each other, he provides the safety for me to be myself, and we can have conversations on topics we disagree on. Each level of friendship is valuable to us and our life journey, but just because people are in our lives in some capacity doesn’t mean they are entitled to know all about us.
Sometimes, there is an assumption that you have to be the same age as your friends, but I have friends from a diverse age range and feel this contributes to my growth and learning. People with more life experience provide a different perspective than those with less life experience, and all perspectives add value.
The podcast is available here:
As always, I’d like to open the comments for you to share your thoughts and experiences.
Happy bday Clare and the blog! Incredible how much your writing has improved over the first year!
Also a lot of people only maintain a friendship if that suits them. But I’m starting to think that’s not a bad thing and it’s ok if a friendship ends.